I've come to realize that writing things down can be healthy.  I can sometimes describe how I'm feeling and what is going on so much easier.  The contemplative mood that I'm in is probably helping too.

I ended a friendship this weekend.  I have never done that before.  New experience for me.  I thought I'd feel more relieved than anything, but now I'm not sure.  I'm not regretting that I told this person how I felt, I suppose that I am sad that the friendship ended in the way that it did.  In the end, I felt like this was an unhealthy relationship and it somehow had to stop.  It's hard to describe.  I'm not angry with this person.  I am sad.  I'm not jumping up and down saying "yippee, it's over!"  Instead I'm going over in my head the should've, would've, could've's.  If someone hurts my feelings and then apologizes for it, I can accept that for the most part.  If they hurt my feelings over and over again and apologize and keep on hurting my feelings, then am I an idiot for sticking around?  What if they never apologize at all because they think they haven't done anything wrong? The problem is with this person, I honestly believe that negative things are said about myself and my friends because of this persons own insecurities.  The old "knock someone down to build yourself up".  Is this something I can forgive and forget?  I don't know.  Forgive, yes.  Forget.....never.  I'll always feel guarded around this person.  

The other problem with this person is the lies.  Lie is such a harsh word that I sometimes hate to use it.  It's useless lies.  No reason for them.  I'm told one story and a friend(s) are told a completely different version.  It doesn't make any sense as to why this is done.  It's the harmless stuff that I suppose I can blow off, but it does make me wonder if this person is telling me the truth anytime she tells me a story.  The trust has definitely been broken.  I don't believe that this person realizes the harm that can come from some of these lies.  You can't accuse someone of sexual misconduct if it's not true.  This could be so harmful to a person and their relationship.  What if this couple was having problems in the first place and then a lie that has been told starts circulating.  It could destroy this relationship.  Those are the harmful lies.  The ones I can't blow off.  It needs to stop.  Then I find out from a mutual aquaintance that more lies have been told previously regarding other people in our circle of "friends".  That this person has made others feel the same way I do and that not many people trust her.  I guess it validated the way I was feeling and it lead to the ending of the friendship.

I told this person this weekend that things she had said and done have hurt my feelings.  I have received a denial about something pointless.  But no apology for the things that were said that hurt me or were said about my friends.  Geeez, I feel like I'm whining.  I'm not a whiner.  I'm a pretty stable person, but this has thrown me off completely.  Wondering if I did the right thing in the right way.  

We've all done it.  We've all said things to hurt someone's feelings at one time.  But....I can honestly say that I DO NOT purposefully say something to someone for the sole purpose of hurting them.  I am so far from perfect, but I know this to be true.  If anything....I should probably stick up for myself more and voice my opinions more.  I've always been afraid of hurting people's feelings and don't understand people that do it intentionally.

I suppose the only thing that can come of this is a learning experience.  Hopefully I'll learn how to handle situations like this better and hopefully someone else will learn from it too.

Current Location: Home Sweet Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: nascar race...beautiful music